2011, please bring a piece of heaven...

Hope everyone had a happy new year! 2010, wow, what a year. I started reminiscing, and really missing, the early parts of it. It made me want to cry, ok I did cry, thinking about the days in our little home, baking in my little kitchen, decorating, dancing with Eedy, walking with her to the mailbox in her tutu, watching movies with Craig and just being, together, alone. I remember thinking that I was the happiest I had ever been, I was living in my own heaven, even though I knew I was going to lose it all, it didn't diminish my happiness there those last few months. I had my Edyn, my Craig, and nothing would change that, house or no house... though I would greatly miss it, and fondly think on all the memories made in that little, shabbily built condo. We had put so much love into what had once been a sad little place, we had made it a wonderful home.

As I thought on this, the tears streaming down my cheeks, I realized that I could not give up hope, things would get better, relationships could mend, hearts could heal, futures could be brighter. We have struggled here, we have felt the worldly pain of loss for that which does not last, we have wished to grow stronger in our trials and conquer them, rather than them conquer us. It has not been easy. It has been a rough 3 months this pregnancy, filled with sickness, pain and grief. Most times I just wanted to fade away, I felt pretty insignificant and invisible anyway. I lived for my Edyn, prayed for Craig, felt sorry for my unborn child and the emotions it must have experienced with me, and desperately clung to the love and warmth of my family and their home over the holidays. I gave prayers of thanks for my best friend and her loving, listening ear, and her overly kind gesture of letting me borrow her car while she was out of town. I gave thanks for old friends from high school who, unbeknown-st to them, gave me a reason to laugh and smile on a particularly dark night. I began to get some life back.

I do not usually write like this for a public eye, and I will spare details, but I hope, if anyone is struggling, feeling down-trodden, and maybe trapped by their trials, wondering if there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel, I want you to know you are not alone. I realized once more, I had to pray for more faith, had to grow closer to my Savior. He has helped me to feel the love I no longer thought I deserved, helped me to feel a purpose I had lost hold of. I have gone through great personal trial before, as we all have, but these last couple months have been especially harrowing. I have been able to smile in the midst of failure and pain and have optimism for the future, but not this time. I have to rebuild, restrengthen what had been hammered and chiseled down... a new start for a new year. Then I thought of my sweet Gramma Jo, how she would hold me, say "Oh my Jordy, it will be ok." Then sing the favored song of my childhood, "Put your arms around me honey, hold me tight, cuddle up and snuggle up with all your might." And I wept more, how I miss that angel in my life, how I long to see her again. This December marked the third year...

I realized I cannot live in the past, there is no looking back. The phrase "Your future is as bright as your faith" keeps resounding in my mind, as a reminder that I need to learn how to grasp hold of that again. Through this I have wondered, "I am so weak, I have so much more than most of the world, the gospel, a family, a room that is nicer than most homes in the world, better health than most.... how can I withstand this world and the greater trials that lay ahead!? I am so weak, why am I even here.." I wish so badly to .... to get away.

But, I do know the gospel is true, I do know my Savior died for me so that I may have the chance to live with Him again, I do know, that there is a world beyond this one that cradles you in the arms of His love and peace. I do know, that with the help of my Savior, my God, I can overcome. We all can. In my mind, this I know, now I need to move it to my heart.

Here is to a new year, a new start.